Nice to meet you: Now, I've watched enough Maury in my day to realize that every man has different expectations of what Fatherhood will bring....
.For me, I thought that when Shepherd arrived he and I would instantly click, I'd hear angels sing, burst into tears while jumping for joy, and have this perfect moment. I never thought about the fact that I would be wearing a space suit (shoe covers included), face mask, surrounded by beeping machines and strangers, my wife in the middle of a serious surgery...oh and not to mention that this perfect little boy is a complete stranger. Yes, I'd been waiting anxiously for 39 weeks to meet him, I couldn't even sleep the night before he was born because I was so excited, but he still looked up at me like who/what the heck are you? So, the initial moment wasn't what I expected and before you know it the first night was over. We were blessed to have our families there chomping at the bit to meet him. During his first bath I felt like an animal at the zoo...
So it's midnight on the first night and Jess and I have decided that we are super parents and will keep Shep with us in the room. "Why would anyone send their sweet new baby to the nursery?" we asked. Fast Forward 2 hours, we've both been up for what seems like 3 weeks so we call the nurse to come pick him up. New Parents Fail! The rest of the hospital visit is a blur, rarely anytime alone and nurses nurses and more nurses! Her nurse, his nurse, the cleaning nurse, the nurse that brings the food (but it took 4 hours for me to get a blanket). So as I'm carrying my boy out to the car I think "When we get home he and I can really get to know each other!" By this point I've already convinced myself that I'm the worst dad ever and feel sorry for Shep being dealt such a crummy hand in the father department.
Lesson: In a nutshell, it took me a few weeks to really bond with the little guy...and that's ok. New/Future Dads, don't put any pressure on yourselves. Those first few days are so special and will fly by, just enjoy them for what they are and everything will work out!
Who is this Woman?: My wife is a rock star and really did very little complaining throughout her entire pregnancy. That said, once she was admitted to the hospital she became a different person. She was calm, stress free and very go with flow, words that wouldn't typically be used to describe Jess.
(<---what does that even mean) I was just going with it and then I realized she was completely drugged! Remember in college, you see someone in the middle of the week and they know you but you've never seen them in your life because you met them after midnight the previous Saturday... that's Jess's memory of the hospital; blurry at best. Lesson: Guys, make sure you pay attention. Hopefully the hospital staff will keep track of everything but in our experience we had the whole spectrum of nursing staff from please move in with us to Do Not come back in our room (I really had to kick a rude nurse out of our room).
Sleepless Marriage (get your mind out of the gutter): So we've got our sweet boy home and Jess and I are both infatuated with him! That combined with the fact that he wasn't quite catching onto nursing led to us coming to the conclusion that we should both get up with him every time he woke up. Terrible idea! There was a pivotal lack of sleep moment around 3am on the 2nd night that Jess gave me this look...
and I was pretty sure if murder was legal...well this blog would've never been written. Lesson: Tag team the night time sessions and NEVER, under any circumstance complain about anything. Guys, I'm on your side and realize that you're completely justified but you can't have a rational discussion with a sleep deprived new mom.
Those are some of the stand outs things I've learned but most importantly; make sure you soak it all in. Those first few weeks fly by and while everyday if more fun that the previous...I still feel like he's growing up too fast. They say time flies when you're having fun and I'm having the time of my life!
...
, well I hated everything about this time of year. Once I got out I swore I would NEVER again be out in that mess and there I stood, like a big twat, waiting in line with all the other losers on Thanksgiving night.
She explained that they do this every year...one year even bringing their 18 month old out in the snow in order to get the "sympathy vote" of other shoppers. Ummm, can someone please call 
. Me...being the unprofessional shopper that I am, hadn't even looked at the ads, so when I asked if I could look at the one she had brought, she said yes but when she handed it to me it was twisted so tightly that it made a sharp point...I'm assuming so she could use it as a dagger, that i just thanked her and handed it back...handle first of course 
. The people in front of me seemed normal...except that they had brought a coffee pot, chairs, two blankets and a board game so whenever they said something to me I pretended to be deaf. 
words, and I was cold. Then, a target employee started walking down the line. You see, it had been explained to me that 
were to be handed out for door buster items. When he gets to me, I'm pumped to get my ticket for the TV and he says "Sir, would you like a snack". Really? I took the snack, a yummy chocolate covered peppermint bar...FOR WOMEN. WTH? Of course this sends all of the "gentlemen" around me into a fit of laughter, talking about how "I aint growin no boobs" & "what if I get my period"...which that was a valid point b/c there wasn't even a place to go the bathroom, let alone deal with that. I just kept my mouth shut and put the estrogen bar in my coat pocket with my cokes that...due to the bathroom issue, had remained unopened.
It was literally the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed. In line outside women are cussing at each other. "Touch my kid again and I'll show you black Friday bitch" What does that even mean? An old woman "looking for her grandson" was trying to cut line and was thrown to the ground..jpg)
From the back of the line, someone yelled 
and I never saw the old woman again.
.
Currently my DVR is at 88% which can partly be blamed on my renewed obsession with 
! The rest of the dvr, other than the 20 hours of 
that my wife and I have stocked piled, is new fall programming. The pilot episode of any show is never amazing (except Modern Family) but there has to be that moment where you like a character or you laugh out loud...if that hasn't happened by the 2nd episode (1st episode if it's an hour long show) I'm out! Here is how the current fall line up is looking.
is one of my favorite new shows. I would love pretty much anything Ms. Applegate does and Mya Rudolph literally makes my stomach ache the next day! The good thing about this show is that the comedy doesn't seemed forced and when Mya said "Edge of Seventeen" in the pilot episode, I literally re-watched that clip 10 times. I see it being around for a while! Another great new show, my wife's favorite, is 
. Different, quirky, and funny in it's own way, Zooey isn't afraid to look like an idiot which makes for great tv!
is one that I wrote off just based on the story line, but it has its moments. The bad/dirty girl meets heiress thing is kinda played out but it has its moments and since CBS has nothing else on except Survivor, I think it will make it...but no more than one season. Chelsea Lately employee Whitney Cummings produces broke girls...and also stars in 
which seems to be getting good reviews but I tried to watch it and within in the first 2 segments the series recording was deleted from the DVR. EWW
is probably my favorite new Fall show, and if the picture doesn't explain why, it's because rachel bilson makes me look like I have rabies. 
. The show is decently written, and is an easy, feel-good hour of tv. To say that Bilson is likable is an understatement.
had me before it even premiered. Emily Vancamp, a transplant from one of my fave shows ever, 
stars in this very well written, unpredictable drama, no humor here but its addictive! Speaking of Brothers & Sisters (RIP) I knew ABC had to put an excellent show in that time slot, and they did. 
is great!It makes me wish I lived in that era where people dressed up to take a flight! Theshow has an obvious "mad men" feel that I love and newbie Margot Elise Robbie is a dead ringer for a young 
and...I ain't mad! Another show that I thought was going to do well but has already gotten the AX was 
. I blame this in part to being a poorly done mad men knock off, as well as not great writing...to bad b/c it could've been great. Really, I think it was the curse of
that killed the show. Playboy club will soon to be joined by, Free Agents, How to be a gentleman, hopefully Whitney and Unforgettable. Also, even though I'm a fan of her, 
was lame and looked as though it was filmed on a $4 budget.
were arrested in Graves Co. Kentucky for refusing to put reflectors on the back of their wagons. Unlike the "uppity" Amish below, these men believe the reflectors to be "too modern".
(conformists!). 
YIKES!
Louise Anderson is charged with theft by deception...no one can tell if she's happy or sad...or seductive??
see.
Fa'Rhonda Jones was arrested for attempted robbery after "she?" attempted to pose as a mannequin in order to rob the store after hours.
Billy Goates was arrested for attempted bestiality for trying to seduce a sheep by wrapping his nasty ass gauged ears around themselves to make him look more animal like (see amish).
&
Thelma and Louise were arrested for prostitution.
Hoopy Goldberg was arrested for that hair cut.
The Reigning Mrs. Chalupa was arrested for being a drag and getting in a fight with another pagent girl 
I can see it!
Really?
for impersonating Nicki Minaj!
Arrested during the middle of her haircut on drug dealing charges. Hopefully she'll get clean in jail...poor thing is only 22, a HARD 22.
Until today, she was a "FUNctioning alcoholic.
.
and I couldn't look at anymore after the queef dressed as a breathalyzer got a DUI.